No need for rocks

I was sitting in my living room looking at the scrapbook that Shyle made for Judy and I, of our friends from Watermark. As I looked through it at the pictures and read the notes written, my heart began to long. I miss all of you so very much. Then I started to reflect on all the lessons I’ve learned because of Watermark and Watermarkers. Because of your love, patience and dedication to God, he did a work in me. And who could forget the added blessing of Nate The Falcon Smith. Who’s incredible humility, love and patience. Man, he is such a blessing in my life.
I then started thinking about what might have happen if I didn’t need to come back to Cana-nada. Since I’ve been home and now at school, there are things that I needed to learn, further lessons to grasp. There are things that began in Grand Haven, and I’m not sure if they could have been completed there.
As I sit here and reflect, I can only Praise the Lord. I mean really praise him. I am so aware of this hand in all of this; it really creates in me a cry of praise. Tonight, there will no need for rocks to cry out; my mouth will praise the Lord.
Roach out.

The Canadian G&L

Judy and I had had people over and made Chilli dogs last night. It was a nice reminiscent night of our evenings spent at G&L scarfing back those great dogs. Great memories there, of the Dune and Sydney exchanging chances to get us refills, and ensuring that my drawing got on the wall so that everyone would know that I was there. Man I miss them.
Anyway, the chilli dogs were great, but it made me really look forward to when I get to visit Grand Haven and have a real one. I think Dakota Smith still owes me supper for touching his jacket once.
Lving it up in the hotel canadia
Roach out.

The Triad

Starting a triad this coming Friday. I am stoked. Spend some time with some quality guys and celebrate our lives with Christ. I'm telling ya, I can't wait.
on a side note, this Sunday I'm sharing at the student gathering. My heart is heavy with the message I sense God is preparing. Last night, Judy and I read the Scripture that I think I'm going to use, and after I explained to her what I saw in it, what was revealed to me, I couldn't sleep. It's such good stuff. Man I love the Word.
Pray for me.
Roach out.

When Worlds Collide

I expected this to happen, but there was nothing I could do to prepare. Last night I shared the message at a local church gathering. The pastor is none other than John Symonds, a dear friend and valued mentor. He’s also a professor of mine here at College. He has poured into my life, and has believed in me when others forsook me. So last night I began my prepared message. Halfway through the first point, I stopped, looked over the congregation and asked for their favor. I didn’t feel right about what I was saying. It wasn’t that I thought it was a wrong message or that the Truth wasn’t being shared, but I felt that I wasn’t being me. I shared with them that I felt to prepared, that I was trying to deliver an “A” sermon and impress them. I asked for their forgiveness and if I may share from my heart. The theme was love, and that without love, all our gifts and virtues are worthless (1 Cor. 13:1-3). The body was more than gracious and loving, giving me the freedom to change the flow and bare my heart.
Here’s the crash. I struggled with a sense of defeat, like I had let John down. He didn’t vocalize that and I know that appreciated the honesty, but I can’t shake this feeling. He and I spoke about how I was feeling on the way home and his advice was not to lose this freedom I now have to be me and to be authentic, but to be careful not to swing so far to the other side and be totally run by my “feeling” and to reject the value of study and structure. I think that’s wisdom, and that it has value. The struggle here now, is to find the balance. I can’t forsake the freedom I have been blessed with, but at the same time I don’t want to leave behind the richness of the Word and the life Truth it offers.
On Jan. 30th, I am addressing the student body, I hope to have reach some sort of solid ground in this struggle. I could be blowing this out of proportion. We’ll see.
Roach out.

Compassion or in-authenticity

In this search for authenticity, in making it more real in my life, it has come to my attention that I am being seen as smug. It would seem that when I’m in a crowd or in a conversation, my lack of facial expression is being translated as frustration and/or a “I’m better than you so I’m not going to get involved in your banter.” This concerns me since it’s not my heart. Most times I’m just listening or reflecting on what’s being said. I know it’s a change of pace from my usual “ranting”, but it’s truly what I’m doing. But the concern is that I’m offending people and possibly causing them to stumble. In order to remedy this side effect of my journey, I’ve attempted to make a more valid attempt to be aware of my body language, that when in a conversation, to appear as engaged as I am, to let the other person(s) that I am listening and not judging them. I think it’s necessary for healthy relationships. But the other day, there was a situation that made we wonder…am I truly living in compassion at the moment, or am I faking it. Let me explain.

A friend came to visit and we had a chat. I have a very hard time finding anything real about them and find what they say strongly opposes how they live. I find it difficult to love them as Christ does because they frustrate me. That being said, this specific day, I attempted to be compassionate, listen carefully, engage in the conversation and give everything they said the benefit of the doubt, to think and assume the best of them in all situations. Mission accomplished (I think). But I’m now wondering if I was being fake. Was my state on of compassion flowing from the love of God, or was I merely being in-authentic by not expressing what I really wanted to do which was to question their every statement. I guess if I was cognitively making the attempt to be compassionate, then it wasn’t natural, and in that case I was faking it, instead of being it. Hmmm. I’m not sure. Still wondering.

Roach out.

Who am I...

Well when all is said and done, God does his thing. The money came in for school and needs. When God promises things happen.
Roach out.

Living on…

I sometimes sit and wonder what I’m living on. What fundamentally makes me tick. Well, according to Steve Tyler (Aerosmith) when you’re living on the edge, you can’t help yourself from falling, so that can’t be it. My good friend Bon Jovi says that when your living on a prayer, you'll make it (he swears), but I don't know about that. So I’ve been thinking: what do I live on. In the past few weeks, all I can think about is having to live on faith. But frankly, I think that sucks. I know those are harsh words and most of us may never dream of saying that, but I mean it. I’m being honest, God knows it. I don’t like it one bit. It takes all the control out of my hands, and forces me to daily look at how helpless I really am. Now I know that’s the whole point: to create an environment that draws me closer to God and increases my dependency on him. BUT, I still resent it. It’s so tough…

The more and more I look at my life though, looking back especially at the last 7 months, whether I was aware of it or not, I was living on faith. Not the kind of faith that makes me pray for God’s financial provision, but the kind that is taken for granted, the one that is received without asking. Going on this journey and discovering who God is and who I am in light of God, I needed a to rely on God in whole new ways. I needed to rely on his Word and promises that he wouldn’t forsake me. I needed to have faith that he would sustain me emotionally, mentally, spiritually while going through the soul stripping process. Except, I only see now the implicit faith that was there the whole time. The gift of faith that was operating in and around me, without my knowledge. So the question now is: Will I live on this faith now that I am aware of it.? Will I choose faith?

I wonder what I will do…still in the process, still on the journey.

Roach out.

sick as a....dog?

Where does that saying come from anyway? Has anyone ever seen a sick dog? I've seen on with the runs or blowing chunks, but that's usually followed with the dog going back to their mess, feeling better about it. I've never seen a really sick dog, but maybe it's just me. But you would think that if dog's were so sick, at least consistently and violently enough to garner a saying of their own, that I would have seen it. Maybe the saying comes from some deep tribal community and came back with the missionaries. Who knows. Maybe mamma does...but not I.
Anyway, Yesterday I was sick. Coming out both ends at the same time, if I'm not being to subtle. I realized how much a whinning baby I can be when I'm sick, or so Judy will tell you.
As a side note, Judy brought me some Ginger Ale to make me feel better. It's our family cure all. Growing up, regardless of what was wrong, my grandma would always give us Ginger Ale. Anything from upset stomach, to headache, to a cut, to even a viral infection. I'm sure if anyone of us were ever diagnosed with a terminal illness, we'd get a case of Ginger Ale, and forced to drink it every four hours. Maybe those of you in the blogsphere have your own family cure-alls. I'd be interested to hear about them.
Anyway, today I'm better. I'm not as healthy as a....gerbil? Maybe my mind isn't back to health.
Roach out.

Humility

I have heard many different takes on what humility is. I have heard it said to be “not thinking little of yourself, but thinking of yourself little.” I’ve heard it said that it is “always reminding yourself that there is someone out there better” and “always keep God above yourself” and “putting others ahead”, the whole God first, others second, yourself third thing. But none of these really sat well with me.
This morning as I opened The Book, (Cession’s gift to me: The Message Remix), I turned to Romans 12, this is what caught my attention:

3 …it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him. 4In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. 5The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, 6let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

This is so good. I think it so perfectly illustrates what true humility is. Realizing that it’s all about God, and not about us. We don’t somehow define him or his body, but he and it define us. It’s a relief to know that all that is required of me is to be me. I was designed a certain way with a certain gift-mix for a certain purpose. I don’t have to be anything or anyone other than who and what I am: The Roach.
Me, Myself and I: out.

...it's been a while...

The Christmas break has not met any of my expectations. I didn’t get much work done; in fact I would say that I got less done than none. Up until last night, I hadn’t had a conversation with my dad. He’s been working long hours, trying to tear down this building. He’s getting all the lumber for free so he wants to get all he can while he can. Last night though we rented a movie (around the world in 80 days, dad’s a big Jackie Chan fan) and after the movie we started talking. It was by far the best talk we’ve ever had. I started to talk about being careful not to make rash belief statements without knowing why we believe in them. We moved on from that to motives and honesty, personal honesty. He was talking about what he’s been doing and how far he’d come, and I couldn’t help but notice how much of him was involved in the process. It was as if he was helping God to fix himself. We started to explore the possibility that God does it all, and really it’s not about us. We talked about how God’s #1 concern was making sure we know that he loves us, and the rest really takes care of itself. That the freedom that Christ came to give us is found in the knowledge that God loves us, and that nothing we can do can change that, for better or worse. When we realize that this love is complete and understand what it means, I think we automatically respond to God with love. We love others freely. It no longer becomes a calculated ministry, but an overflow of the love pouring into our hearts from the Father. We then talked about how even if I never speak the name of Jesus ever again, that it’s ok. It doesn’t change God, and it doesn’t change his love for me. I’ll miss out on a great life serving him, but ultimately, God plan will be accomplished. Dad, baffled, offered only this reply: “I don’t get that, that it’s not our job or duty.” And that’s ok.
What a great time. This short cross-section of our hours of talking is a great sign, for two reasons. One, Dad is opening himself up to the possibility that there is more to God than what he is living, that there may be hidden motives that he’s unaware off. Second, it really made me aware of what God has done in my heart. So often this conversation was about me being right and making sure Dad knew it. But I sense that I don’t care if I’m right, but I do that I’m free. I don’t want to convince Dad anymore with knowledge and rhetoric, but I want him to know freedom, the way Christ intended it.
I hope we’ll get to talk again before I head back to school. Life is so much sweeter when laced with freedom.
Roach out.