learning to follow: God vs. the god of the moment

College teaches you many things. But when the Heaven's leadership guru John Maxwell is someone we should aspire to be like (sense the sarcasm), then "leadership" becomes the God of the moment. I don't blame my college or as my darker skinned friend would say "hating on" (that's for you Aza) them, but it is a value I picked up along the way that is caused much chaos in my life at the moment.

Leadership is something that I, to the detriment of others, aspire to be a part of. My motives vary: control, power, influence, adoration, validation, having followers, being the go to guy...are ones that are of course...NEGATIVE. I assume I have very few pure motives concerning my desire to be a leader since things I desire from the flesh rarely come from the spirit. That being said.... I'm learning to follow.

But since I'm at the threshold of the journey, barely breaking the starting line, looking back at the chasm of my past, at times longing for the comfort I found in self-pity and shallow adoration, I still am unclear as to what I am following. Am I following God, creator of Heaven & Earth, the Alpha & Omega, Jehovah, Elohim; or have I traded in one god of the moment for the next. Have I traded the leadership god for the humility/servant attitude god. I don't know. Thus the confusion and frustration.

I recently had a conversation with someone serving inthe Children's ministry, and I found myself saying the right thing, in the sense of what was best for them, not myself or what I would consider "my area of influence." But today I started thinking of why I did it. Was it born out of time spent with the Spirit; or was it to "do the right thing" and feel some sort of satisfaction in that alone.

Despite this seeming turmoil, I can say that all this does one thing: it forces me to God. I say force cause I'm still very unwilling to go to him, in the sense that He is not my first source of help. There are many things that I go to first... But I have hope & faith that these things are showing me and teaching me one thing: God is the way.

For now, all I have is the hope. And that's good enough for me...

prefering a nail to a screw....

Lame, but right now, I feel like I'd love to nail something down rather than screwing something up. My confession: I fear failure. Part of me thinks that I'd be more settled in my spirit with some terminal illness or some natural disaster than be face with my own shortcomings.

and let me tell you something... I hate the way I feel.

Here's a song that has meant a ton to me.

torn (the song of Job)

down in life's valleys
the mountains look steep
and I can't help the way I feel

losing sleep
I’m finding it hard to believe
must persevere
if only I

if only I could see your face
if only I could touch your hand
if only I could find where you dwell

I'd ask you so many questions
I'd beg with you why
am I so dry within
why am I torn inside

so much torment has entered my life
I curse the day I was born
there must be a reason why
why I feel so torn

if only I could see your face
if only I could touch your hand
if only I could find where you dwell

I'd ask you so many questions
I'd beg with you why
am so dry within
why am I torn inside

if only I could see your face
if only I could touch your hand
if only I could find where you dwell"


... I think there's a hope. I don't say I know, because my life and my heart is so consummed by this fear that my lack of freedom is directly proportionned with my lack of knowledge...so I think there's hope...I hope there's hope.

A.W. Tozer once wrote that, and I paraphrase..."I don't want God, but I want to want God."

this is where I stand. I don't want to grow, I don't want to be stretch, I don't want to struggle and face my demons...but I want to want these things.

Pray for me, I ask you my friends. Be diligent please. I need it now more than ever to get through this next step.

Roach

Living True Life

I don't know what it is, but there has been an increasing sensitivity to how people are living life around me. I've noticed how different people act and how they are either guarded or free depending who is in their presence. The same rings true for me.

So are we practicing what we are preaching.

Watermark is all about living life together and sharing life with one another. But is seems that at least in my life, I'm living a comfortable vision of this. I seem to be gravitating with the easy relationships. The ones what aren't so draining. I noticed the other day when I spent some time with someone who I am just getting to know, who is draining emotionally. I felt like my time was wasted and that I didn't get anything from my time with this person. How selfish is that? "What's in it for me"

What good is my life, if all I do with my time is gravitate to those who love me, to those who will not drain me...what good is it. I love my friends, and I want to spend uber amount of time laughing and living it up. But once that circle closes so that I'm no longer invinting NEW people into my life, even those I JUDGE to be difficult or draining, than my life is being wasted. I have become a pharisee (if oyu don't know what that is, it's pretty much a lazy hypocrite)

So two options:

#1 - don't change, stay confortable with the friends I have sitting around complaining about the people that piss me off....

OR

#2 - basically love others like God loves me. Straight and Simple.