prefering a nail to a screw....

Lame, but right now, I feel like I'd love to nail something down rather than screwing something up. My confession: I fear failure. Part of me thinks that I'd be more settled in my spirit with some terminal illness or some natural disaster than be face with my own shortcomings.

and let me tell you something... I hate the way I feel.

Here's a song that has meant a ton to me.

torn (the song of Job)

down in life's valleys
the mountains look steep
and I can't help the way I feel

losing sleep
I’m finding it hard to believe
must persevere
if only I

if only I could see your face
if only I could touch your hand
if only I could find where you dwell

I'd ask you so many questions
I'd beg with you why
am I so dry within
why am I torn inside

so much torment has entered my life
I curse the day I was born
there must be a reason why
why I feel so torn

if only I could see your face
if only I could touch your hand
if only I could find where you dwell

I'd ask you so many questions
I'd beg with you why
am so dry within
why am I torn inside

if only I could see your face
if only I could touch your hand
if only I could find where you dwell"


... I think there's a hope. I don't say I know, because my life and my heart is so consummed by this fear that my lack of freedom is directly proportionned with my lack of knowledge...so I think there's hope...I hope there's hope.

A.W. Tozer once wrote that, and I paraphrase..."I don't want God, but I want to want God."

this is where I stand. I don't want to grow, I don't want to be stretch, I don't want to struggle and face my demons...but I want to want these things.

Pray for me, I ask you my friends. Be diligent please. I need it now more than ever to get through this next step.

Roach