Where does my heart beat now?

So here I am...What to do. I've got this thing. It's something I love to do, something I was created to do, something I am passionate about, and I want to do it. I want to opportunity to arise. I don't want to be self promoting, and I don't want it to be about me. A few weeks ago, I was honest with God and myself, that I needed to be hidden, and now be in a place where I will desire praises of men. And I think I've been growing in that. But here I am, with this passion that isn't coming out. And I want to ask, but need to check my heart. Do I want to do it because I want to glorify God...Does he need me for that? Am I reverting back to wanting some praise, some up front pedestal "look at me" ministry? I don't think so...But what if...Where does my heart beat at this moment..With God, or with my own self and it's desires.

I read today from my new daily readings "Imitation of Christ" by Thomas A-Kempis, and this is what spoke to my heart:

"Blissful is he who truth herself teaches not by figures or voices, but as it is."

"our opinions and our feelings oft times deceive us and see but little."

Here's the dichotomy of my situation. On the one hand I pray, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" and trust that God will alert me of my motives are impure and selfish, but on the other hand what I interpret from God may be self deception in the form of my opinion or feelings. I'm not saying A Kempis is divine and his word should heed more warning than God's does encouragement, but it's something I need to consider.

I don't think that I am slipping back to my nature's default. I still think I'm on the right wavelength. But how can I be certain short of throwing out a fleece?

Where does my heart beat now?

I pray it's with the Lord.

Roach out.

light in the loafers

This past Tuesday I had the opportunity to worship in music with the staff of SLW. It was really cool. At the end of the music set, I nodded to the teacher for the day and tried to quietly move the music stand, wanting to protect the great sense of reverence that overcame the room. As I picked it up, the top came off and papers fell to the floor, prompting chuckles and giggles from the group. After that, I called N8 to see where the staff was meeting disrupting the prayer time they were having. Here's the point.
In the past, I have be insecure and fearful of failure. To screw up meant that I put in danger any favor I had gained. On Tuesday I would have worried all day, felt guilty and beat myself over not being more careful or considerate, even though all these things were beyond my control. But I realized today something incredible. it didn't bother me. I've come to a point in my journey, that I am comfortable enough with myself, secure enough in grace that this circumstance didn't bother me. Knowing that God loves me and that he is greater than my circumstances, was put to the test, and well, I feel great. I feel free from those chains.
You know, I've realized that us Christians can live our lives, unknowingly carrying chains. I say unknowingly, but what I mean is not wanting to know. But to come to a place where we can be honest with ourselves, being broken, realizing how needy we are...we see our chains, and when they are shed, we realize how slumped me walked, and how light a step can be when it is taken in the freedom the Christ died to give us.
Man, I've never felt so light.
Roach out.

Love covers a multitude of complacencies

I'm still amazed at how the Lord works in my life. How he decides it the best way to communicate to my heart. I'm still reading the "Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning, and there are so many times that words jump off the page and speak to my soul that I spend more time thinking about the book than reading it.
The last chunk of ramblings I picked up on, I've been mulling over for two days. On p.84 he writes: "Without personal honesty I can easily construct an image of myself that is rather impressive. Complacency will then replace delight in God." How true in my life. Lesson 1: I need to love God and love myself so to be honest with myself so to avoid complacency in my walk. Simple enough to say. But yesterday, something happened that made me realize something deeper in this little saying. That in God's design of the Church, he not only wants us to love and be honest with ourselves, but wants others to love and be honest with us. See it's one thing for us to say "it's all good" and ignore the areas of laziness, but it's another thing for others to do that for you and thus you lose accountability. Here's what I'm saying. The Creator has taken seriously my request for growth by placing me in a situation that I am surrounded by people for love me. And because love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), including complacency, I have people in my life that are willing to be honest and say what they see I don't see. It's kind of a double edge sword. On one hand it's hurtful to hear some words, but upon deeper reflection it's my flesh that's being torn down (a good thing) and by spirit being built up.
All in all, I'm grateful and relieved that God takes me seriously and only desires the very best for me. Each time I get to a place in my journey to take time to look back on what "I've" accomplished, I get complacent and start building an impressive image of myself and forgo delight in God. My eyes get off him and on me. But because God loves me and has sent people to me that love him and as a result love me... My back is covered, and so is my habit of satisfactory mediocricy.
"To God be the Glory, great things he has done", is doing and going to do.
 
Roach out.