Where does my heart beat now?

So here I am...What to do. I've got this thing. It's something I love to do, something I was created to do, something I am passionate about, and I want to do it. I want to opportunity to arise. I don't want to be self promoting, and I don't want it to be about me. A few weeks ago, I was honest with God and myself, that I needed to be hidden, and now be in a place where I will desire praises of men. And I think I've been growing in that. But here I am, with this passion that isn't coming out. And I want to ask, but need to check my heart. Do I want to do it because I want to glorify God...Does he need me for that? Am I reverting back to wanting some praise, some up front pedestal "look at me" ministry? I don't think so...But what if...Where does my heart beat at this moment..With God, or with my own self and it's desires.

I read today from my new daily readings "Imitation of Christ" by Thomas A-Kempis, and this is what spoke to my heart:

"Blissful is he who truth herself teaches not by figures or voices, but as it is."

"our opinions and our feelings oft times deceive us and see but little."

Here's the dichotomy of my situation. On the one hand I pray, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" and trust that God will alert me of my motives are impure and selfish, but on the other hand what I interpret from God may be self deception in the form of my opinion or feelings. I'm not saying A Kempis is divine and his word should heed more warning than God's does encouragement, but it's something I need to consider.

I don't think that I am slipping back to my nature's default. I still think I'm on the right wavelength. But how can I be certain short of throwing out a fleece?

Where does my heart beat now?

I pray it's with the Lord.

Roach out.